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| 09:14am 11/12/2008 |
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Super tired today, but im like 2 weeks away from finishing another degree and I suppose deadlines on anything are always hectic.
Well the economy has almost completely gone to shit. which kind of sucks for my industry. This lead me to get another job but not cosmetology/spa related which will be a nice change of career pace. |
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| 12:33am 13/11/2008 |
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So I never have time to post anymore. Just been really tired lately but then again in always running around doing something.
Lets see, I have failed to mention that my parents got a divorce and now our house is on the market. It's just weird because I never saw my mom as the divorced type but things have been going really well for her lately. I haven't heard or seen my dad in a long time which I can't say is a bad thing.
I walked out on Exclusive Beauty because the manager is a two faced idiot. It's a good thing though, I don't know why it took me so long to actually leave that place but im happy now that im not being over worked, under appreciated and now I don't have to answer to an air headed moron who doesn't have a clue as to how a store is run and how you treat your employees. But really what did I expect from a pot head with little educational background. Last I heard the store is doing horrible and im happy..im really really happy that its doing bad because everyone involved with that place deserves what theyre getting. Karma baby, it comes back to bite you in the ass.
School is going great. I'm actually about to finish career number two. Then I have to continue with number 3. Ive decided to change my major to physical therapy now. Im enjoying all the anatomy stuff im learning.
Parker is still an awesome boyfriend. He spoils me a lot. I always used to feel so weird and awkward when men tried to spoil me but he's gotten me used to it and now i expect nothing less. Not that im talking lavish gifts or anything but opening doors, pulling out chairs, random little presents. Its cute really.
I don't now what else to write, I should go to bed actually. Tomorrow is all blah again. |
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| 02:14pm 22/09/2008 |
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I guess when it doesn't rain it pours. So im feeling very anxious and pessimistic lately because I want someone to fall on their face and become the huge failure I know they're going to become. I guess thats just all me being vindictive, however I strongly believe in karma and that somehow comforts me. Its going to come around twice as hard baby get ready for it!!
on the other hand...I WON THE LOTTERY! But it was only 10. eh. |
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| 12:40am 18/09/2008 |
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Wow I haven't updated in a while. Well my birthday came and went so now im 25. It wasn't as traumatic as I had pictured it other than the fact that hurricane Dolly hit the day afterward. We still managed to throw a huge party that weekend at TAO and got stupid fucked up. The only person from outside work to actually show up was Josh which was cool cause he left for a few hours and came back right as the club was closing to take me to the after party of which I have very fussy recollection other than being outside with Josh, Belle and Erica G.
Parker and I are doing really well also. He goes above and beyond for a cheeky grin from me and I have to say I appreciate that more than he knows. I'm a horrible girlfriend on the other hand and continue to tell him that im only using him for sex. Which is quite amusing that he always responds with "im actually ok with that." I feel lucky, content, safe, wanted all that mushy stuff with him. Everything is perfect except for the fact that he doesn't want to get married or have kids. Oh well can't have it all right?
School is going well so far. Im pretty much almost done with this other license. I should have it all completed by say late January? I'm pretty anxious about not having to spend all night at school anymore. I think I want to do physical therapy next? I'm pretty much half way done with college anyway and with all the anatomy and kinesiology ive been taking i feel pretty confident about passing those courses at regular college. Actually ive been enjoying Anatomy a lot...and I mean A LOT its like biology without the boring! First things first though, one step at a time.
Anyway, it's been almost a year now since my visit to the hospital and im sad to say that I have an appointment in two weeks to talk about re-opening my case. Im hoping to just finish my treatment and get back on the medication. I'm not too thrilled with the idea of pill popping and I assume its because of the social stamina that comes with taking that kind of medication kind of like giving up and letting the world know that you are too weak to deal with emotional stress by yourself. In the end I really don't give a shit and I want to just feel ok for once. Ive been extremely edgy and irritable lately and it has everything to do with work.
WORK! I hate my job and I know I should just quit and im not sure why I just don't. I guess its the only job ive ever held for two years. This is actually the longest ive stayed anywhere. I usually average about a year to a year and a half before I finally give up. Just lots of memories in that place. Good and bad. Mostly bad but ive met a lot of people there and I saw that building when it was just dry wall and dirt floors. I guess there is always a time to say goodbye and im sad to say that my time to say goodbye to that place is coming. Probably sooner than I plan. In general things just aren't going well. We're broke and no one is coming in. The new manager is losing it and the bad vibes are starting again. We get paid and can't cash our checks due to low funds. I basically showed up all week last week for fun because I only had clients on Saturday. I don't want to admit it to myself but I guess its over. For me its always hard to just move on from anything though. I always have to dwell on "what if" and "maybe" but I guess its time to just move on and find something else. It's stressful. I don't need the stress.
It's almost one and I have to go to bed now. I'll try to update more regularly but thats always a promise I type every single time I update. |
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| 04:09pm 02/06/2008 |
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So I spent today being as unproductive as I could possibly be. It seems to be working out just fine except for the fact that I have to go to school in a few hours and I don't intend on missing class just because i'm feeling rather lethargic today.
Work sucks, it's a constant continuum of suck that place. I wish I could just tell them all to go fuck themselves but alas they provide me with the all mighty dollar.
I finally hung out with Daisy the other night which is only news because i hadn't seen her since sometime back in November. She thinks she's getting married, and I say she thinks because I seriously doubt it. Its not me being mean its just a wedding that I don't see happening because its something she's been saying for over a year now. I guess i just see something like an engagement as something more serious than most people now a day.
I guess not having seen her in a while made her ask me about my life back in the day. I hadn't had anyone ask me about Joey in months. I don't know he's happy, Im happy, it just happens to be with other people. Life is peachy?
Parker, we are doing well. I guess things really do happen for a reason. I got myself a great man who adores me and wants to see me all the time even if its just for 20 minutes at night when im all exhausted in my dirty little scrubs :)
I look pale, and tired. Margaret suggested last night that I take a vacation which I think I should do because I feel really exhausted and annoyed a lot of the time. I think I need to get away. For a day or two...
Im turning 25 in a little over a month now and for the first time in a few years I could really give a shit. My birthdays have been a major bust for the past few years so this year its just gonna be another day. No planning no going out just gonna give it a typical day attitude because really it is just gonna be another day in the middle of the week full of blah!
I should really start getting ready for school but eh.. |
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| 12:40am 13/05/2008 |
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so I started school, again. Ok so i'm basically a junior in college and I have a degree but somehow I don't feel accomplished.
So I miss my boyfriend already. Not that I don't see him but its kind of weird going from seeing him every single night to just weekends. I can always stay over every now and then when the girls are gone but it's not the same. Im just so used to winding down with him that now Im having to update my journal!!
Nothing much has changed lately though, I never did get that interview last week. I see that as something that either happens or doesnt, i'm not going to worry about it too much.
I should go to bed now though, I have to go to the gym in the morning!! |
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| 10:19am 06/05/2008 |
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My one day off and already it's getting late and I haven't even began to do half of the shit I want to do today. On the list? Take dog to vet, try to sell back some books, grocery shop, study study study! I want to do well, very well on my final. On that note I also need to talk to an adviser at some point between today and Thursday. Never enough time.
I almost threw up during today's work out session. Actually I went to the restroom and splashed cold water on my face until the nausea was manageable, It was the fucking suicides, im stubburn I kept trying to beat my best time till I felt dizzy. Then went back and worked on chest for a few more minutes. Then came home and injected a vile of L-carnitine, don't judge! Alex sounded like a little pusher today which was kind of funny. "Man I have this new stuff that makes me feel great, like tony the tiger great! You need to take one, i'm going to give you one so you can try it" I was a little too nauseated to laugh but all that scene was pretty funny. Now I have some weird looking bright green and black pills that will make me feel great. Great?
I guess that is my problem, I push myself too hard. Physically and mentally. I can't stop though. I got called for an interview yesterday. Think I can hold down two jobs, school, training and a boyfriend? Eh, sounds possible. I have to give those people a call back see what happens today. oooh one more to do thing on the list! |
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| 12:24am 06/05/2008 |
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Sad sad sad...and in my head everything always works itself out. The depressing thing is that I try so hard to make things better and yet everything always seems to turn to crap.
I still think of stupid things that bring me down. Ive been feeling rather down lately. I'm feeling pretty exhausted lately and it makes no sense that I would sit around and think about things that like that. What's the point? It's over and done with. My reality is what it is and my head can't change that. The past should stay there, I don't know why I keep brining it up.
So we got drunk on grey goose while listening to Radiohead this weekend. For some reason he felt the need to remind me that he's never going to get married again. I don't really know how that came about because theres something about getting drunk that fucks with your memory. It's just sad, not that im in any rush to tie the knot but just the fact that you know your wasting your time with someone is kind of unsettling. Didn't stop me from spending the night over anyway. I guess that's that?
I've gotten somewhat accustomed to my fuck-it-all attitude. I'm still depressed though. I'm not sure exactly what I miss but I know that at some point I was someone else.
So i'm going back to school sometime soon. I can't remember if it was Tuesday or Thursday, all I know is that it's going to be before I finish this STC semester so that's going to be rather hectic. You know, starting school in the middle of finals week. I don't really care because at this point it is hard to phase me.
I should really go see my therapist soon. I just hate talking to doctors, they always turn me into a sobbing mess. Crying buckets infront of a stranger is by no means fun. I'm tired of re-living the past. It was bad enough to make me try to hurt myself twice, yet they seem to think its a good idea that I sit there and revisit all of that for their diagnostic needs. Fucked up eh?
I don't know what to do anymore...just waiting for things to turn around I guess. |
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| 10:05pm 30/04/2008 |
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Another semester coming to an end and I don't feel anywhere near close to being finished with college. On the other hand I should have another degree under my belt by Febuary. Im going to have to take next fall off from college but oh well in the end it will help me finish college earlier. Not really my intentions but with my dad gone and all money is becoming somewhat of an issue.
I got a letter from the crazy hospital today for missing my appointment. I hate talking to therapists, I really do. I seriously only want my meds. I can go without having some stranger probe me for intimate details. I guess that is why I quit seeing my counselor.
Still dating Parker. It's been about five months now and I think the weirdest thing is no one has had the balls to utter those three words. The weird thing is that i don't really feel the need to say it. Its not even that I dont care about him I just feel different. Comfortable, like I don't have to prove myself? I just feel appreciated...funny, Darel Parker. Who would have thought?
Parental drama with the divorce and all has been real fun. Is it wrong to hate your father? I feel so much contempt towards that man. I guess I shouldn't have quit seeing my therapist?
I need to update this thing more often...I quit doing it so much because my therapist told me to. |
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| 08:47pm 10/02/2008 |
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So I guess I should post something or other here just because I haven't posted in a long time.
I always feel like I have a million things to do but never end up doing any of them. So I am still with Parker which speaks volumes seeing as how its going on 4 months and I had never expected to even talk to him more than 10 minutes that night.
Might be moving away forever and ever in a few months. I'm still on the fence on that one. Had this been proposed to me 4 months ago I would have jumped all over that in a heartbeat. Right now I guess im thinking about leaving my boyfriend and my dog behind.
I'm feeling rather happy right now. I blame that on the prozac. |
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| 12:07am 23/01/2008 |
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Life isn't getting any easier. I guess theres really not a WHOLE LOT to complain about. I don't have money for anything other than bills lately which is no way to live. I'm not used to that I guess it's bringing me down a little.
Well my mom's husband finally left for good. I guess he's tired of having a family and wants to fuck some disgusting random hoe instead. I normally wouldn't give a shit but it financially affects me so im a little peeved about it. On the plus side I finally got that piece of shit asshole out of my life. Those who know him would call him nothing less so it's not like im being harsh.
Parker looked a little upset with me when I told him that I had lied to my therapist about us. I don't really want her giving me shit about him. He's a good man. I feel so bad sometimes though. I care about him I really do but it's different. I don't have the butterflies and the I cant wait to see him feelings. I enjoy him around...I think that's what I would miss if something happened tomorrow. That doesn't seem fair though. I'm trying to bring down that wall. I guess im just emotionally drained right now? Or maybe im just scared of getting hurt again.
Work is starting to suck. It's really upsetting me that things aren't working out so well anymore. This was supposed to be the place I built my client list in and worked until I graduated or moved or died or something. I guess it sadly boils down to one person...Clare. I guess this kind of upsets me too because I trusted her a lot and she turned out to be pretty two faced. Kind of makes me wonder if the whole reason she was telling me to stop talking to Joey was because she was fucking with me or she really didn't want to see me hurt. It's too late to do anything about that anyway...and in the end I did end up getting hurt. It's really tough working for someone who can't say "i'm sorry, thank you, you're right..." I don't know whats going to happen in the next few weeks with all of this but right now that job is like a bomb waiting to blow. Any second now something really bad is going to happen there it's in the air I can feel it...
Anyway speaking of moving....since my mom's husband keeps beating my mom randomly and my mom is stupid enough not to call the cops on him my oldest brother suggested she move up to Houston with my Aunt who lives alone. I got my mom into the idea and she wants me to move up there too. I don't know if I should. I think I should leave the valley though. There are just so many things about this place that depress me but on the other hand Houston isn't exactly somewhere i'd like to live.
So as the world crumbles at my feet and everything bad that could happen is happening...i'm pretty calm. I'm still fighting depression and sometimes it wins and I feel like theres no hope but for the most part I think it's gonna be alright. My therapist said I should get back on the meds because sometimes I break down hardcore in her office and she doesnt think im healthy enough to be off them. I don't know how to feel about that? |
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| 08:45pm 09/01/2008 |
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mood:  stressed music: frou frou: let go
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Things just keep getting worse lately. I should be freaking out but i'm not too much. I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow, or the next or where i'll be next month. Things are meant to happen and i guess its how react to the situations that make us grow? I don't know I heard that somewhere maybe. I'm extremely stressed, I feel like vomiting a lot...but i'll keep my head up. Something good has to come from all of this.
A spiritual healer found me the other day. She had a message from God for me. This sounds kind of crazy like its a movie or something. I guess it was weird but she knew so many details about my personal life and that just freaked me out. She gave me her number, I want to visit her. She said I needed a blessing but anyone who's ever done harm to me would get theirs right after i've gotten the blessing. Sounds tempting...then again is feeling vindictive a good reason?
Josh is moving back to the valley. Should be fun
I think im finally falling for my boyfriend...is that such a bad thing? |
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| 12:40am 03/01/2008 |
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So things have gotten better between Parker and I. I don't know where all of this is going..I really don't. He says im an awesome gf and that's pretty good since I feel like im a horrible gf half the time. I guess im scared. Which is kind of funny, Im scared of falling for my boyfriend, the man who actually had the balls to make a commitment to me. Ironic?
Today has been weird. I got some injections. We'll see what happens with that later.
I was going to post something else but im tired so blah.
New years was pretty cool though. Parker got drunk which is funny because I can out drink him and I can't drink for shit. I ended up spending the night because it was fucking cold and I was drunk and too lazy to get dressed and drive back home at 3 in the morning. Not a super exciting night but I guess sitting around drinking wine with older people wins over sitting around at home watching people get plastered to horrible music.
I guess I made a resolution or two. I don't know I guess its kind of like snapping out of it and going back to my pre hospital lifestyle. Which probably isn't good since thats how I ended up in the hospital? I guess I just want to drop the 10 lbs I put on since the hospital and go back to school. Don't get me wrong, I mean being around my boyfriend makes me extremely happy and passive, I guess im just scared i'll get too used to him and then things will go wrong and ill be a crazy mess on happy pills in the mental hospital again.
It's late im going to go sleep now. |
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| 08:25pm 29/12/2007 |
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So i guess im updating because my therapist told me journaling is a good way to feel better..we'll see.
Things aren't going well. I'm pretty tired of all the fighting at home lately and it feels like everything is always going from bad to worse. This home is a fucking wreck and nothing is going to fix it ever again. This is the first time ive ever truly wondered where im going to be in 5 years.
I guess it's been a really bad year. Its like every year that passes I lose more people that are close to me. Vanessa, the fact that I didn't make it to her funeral still bothers me. It's sad really, because I never made it out to places she'd invite me to and then I couldn't even make it out to her funeral. Joey...will I ever stop writing about the infamous Joey in this journal? I guess he still hurts. When is it going to stop really? I feel bad for missing someone who made me cry so much.
I ended up at the crazy hospital and in therapy. I still feel like shit every now and then. I was told that was normal. I don't know how crappy you're supposed to feel until its not normal?
Parker and I aren't doing so well anymore. In reality I doubt if we'll even make it to next year. That's whats upsetting me tonight. Maybe it's just me? I don't know whats happening but maybe what im looking for just isnt out there. I feel as though i'll never find "the one" and its not like I ever thought Parker would be him I just liked feeling special. I guess I will talk things over with him and If I don't like what I hear i'll end it. I guess I just don't want to drag on another relationship where im constantly feeling insecure and sad.
I wish so much things are better in 08...I think i said that last year though. I'm so sad right now but I really don't want to feel like this anymore. Things have to change...they just have to. |
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| 12:29am 19/12/2007 |
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I think my wall is being brought back up slowly. I have this feeling of dread like something is going to go wrong at any second. I guess im just paranoid. Its very likely that I shouldnt even be in a relationship right now. I caught myself letting my guard down. I guess it's not fair to date someone and have no expectations and guarded feelings. I guess im still broken.
I can hear screaming coming from the other room. It's funny how those two continue under the same roof. It's sad how the screaming has become kind of second nature to me.
A week from Christmas now and I always find myself extremely depressed around this time. I guess the reasons are obvious but either way I'm a lot stronger emotionally this year. I remember it was the night before Christmas last year that I seriously tried to hurt myself again. I still feel sad but it's different.
So Parker will be away for Christmas which is ok I guess. He has family obligations to attend. Family...I wonder if i'll ever be part of one again or if im too messed up in the head already?
I should sleep. |
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| 07:35pm 05/12/2007 |
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I remember the first time I ever went over to Joey's house he showed me a painting he has in his dining room. It's the creation of Adam by Michelangelo. It's just weird that Parker would have the same painting hanging from his office. Reminds me of that night at Joey's being too nervous to remember the name of the painting.
Either way things are going well lately...It's funny how a little therapy works.
Still nervous...I'm not sure where things are going to end up. I guess i'm just taking things one day at a time. Hasn't been so bad. |
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| 12:25am 27/11/2007 |
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There are wounds that don't seem to want to heal. I'm being such a bad girlfriend. I don't want to be. I don't even think im trying to make things work. He's tried so hard at making me feel beautiful and smart and wanted...and all I do is think about what could have been instead. I need to learn to adore Parker back because that is who I am with and because Joey is dead...to me anyway. It's funny how i'd always told Joey that I wanted to be in a relationship, and I guess I really didnt want to be in one without him. I guess thats life. Id rather not have anyone if its not him...but thats not the case. I made a commitment to someone and i cant just go back on it because im feeling sad over a guy who broke my heart.
My therapist says I shouldnt even be with Parker. "you spent your life putting yourself down and then comes a person whos constantly praising you and that makes you want to be with him" Yeah that's exactly what happened. Now it's too late because he's falling hard and fast and I on the other hand have this fucking wall up and all I want to do is get over fucking Joey and not have to deal with this relationship because it makes me feel like such a horrible person for not feeling the way he does.
I hope I don't end up in the hospital again... |
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| 09:27pm 15/11/2007 |
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My therapist suggested that I keep a journal, which is kind of funny because i've had this thing for three years. she also said I should go to the gym. Its cool cause i've gone to the gym everyday for the past year or so.
I got into the last fight with Joey, and I say last fight because it was pretty hardcore and we haven't spoken since. It's weird but I still think of him...a lot lately. I think its just the fact that I know he's no longer part of my life and it always hurts when you lose someone who you care about. I don't think bad things though, usually when he comes to mind it's always happy times with us chilling and laughing. It sucks a lot though. I guess I always knew we'd end up like this, I didn't expect it to happen though. Its weird to explain I guess.
I am Parker's girlfriend now. Isn't that fucking weird? I think it is. He's so different from the man I met when I was 19. He makes me happy and tells me sweet things. I should stop thinking of Joey for this reason alone. I have a man who is giving me the world and I am thinking of one that means the world.
It's sad how life turns out.
"things happen for a reason" I have to believe that. I am with Parker and not Joey for a reason?
I think im going to get another job to pay off my hospital bills. I remember the only other time I worked two jobs was overwhelming and I only did it for a week and a half.
so is life... |
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| 06:46pm 05/11/2007 |
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Aye journal...boy drama!
I saw Joey yesterday at the women's wonderland event. It wouldn't have been a big deal except him and his girlfriend kept trying to come over to my booth. I avoided them both like the plague. The girls said his girlfriend was really ugly and so was he. That was really mean and catty of them but it made me laugh so whatever. He text me something completely random today. I didnt reply. What for? asshole.
Clare put Parker hardcore on the spot yesterday. It was pretty mean of her and then she told the girls that she didnt like him for me because he wasnt being affectionate with me. Yeah, I don't think any guy is going to stand there and be affectionate when he's getting grilled on why he's dating a girl 13 years younger and asked what his intentions with her are. Im actually communicating a lot with him early on though. He knows im easily attached and im still hurting over the whole Joey thing. On the other hand he's extremely affectionate with me which is weird because for once I have this wall up and I just can't be with him the way I usually am with guys im dating.
I guess I will type more later cause I have to go meet Margaret now. |
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| 12:34am 03/11/2007 |
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What's going on right now....
I have been trying to get Daisy out of an emo mode she's gotten in but I know only time is going to heal those wounds. I just try to kiss them and make them feel better.... I know nothing in the world except for time is going to make things better though. I hope it passes soon for her. I hate seeing my friend like this.
Everyone at work has quit..well almost everyone. It's going to get really hectic soon. I hope no one loses it.
I still haven't spoken with Joey since that day on yahoo. I was talking about that with Parker last night. He said it was a really shitty thing to do. So I guess I wasn't over reacting and he is an asshole after all.
Speaking of Parker...ive been seeing him a lot recently. it's just so weird how things work out. Of all the things that can happen this is the last thing I saw coming. Who would have thought...me and Parker? 13 yr. difference makes me a little nervous. He thinks im mature...I've driven home drunk every weekend this month though.
I'll go see my therapist in a few days. I don't know if I should tell her about all of this?
speaking of cool things, I might start dancing again! |
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dysphoricxtacy's journal